Things from lately

I’ve been a little quiet, both online and offline, I know. To be very honest, my mental health fell apart last year, for a complex tangle of reasons. It became too difficult to leave the house some days.

It’s still not easy to admit, but I became quite unwell, and my body couldn’t keep up either. I decided to take an extended music break - for how long, I still don’t know.

I miss gigging a lot. In an industry that can be unforgivingly relentless, pausing makes me nervous. Will I be able to pick the thread back up? Will stage fright be too overwhelming when I start trying to play again? Will I lose opportunities and ‘relevancy’ in taking time away?

Happily, I’ve been supported by some wonderful people, friends and professionals. I’m feeling much better than I was. I’m trying to stay curious about it all, and I’ve been using the time to learn new things - both musically, and in navigating the world on a personal level. As a chronically anxious people-pleaser, I’m trying to bodily learn that it’s okay to say ‘no’ sometimes.

I’m tentatively writing songs again for the first time in ages, this time using new production skills (a big thing for an avid technophobe!) and feeling excited about it, rather than overwhelmed.

I’m not sure what the next bit will look like - there are still some things I’m unable to do, and might not be able to for a while, if at all. But I’m hopeful.

I read that caterpillars have to almost entirely liquefy into goo when they’re in their cocoon, before they can turn into a butterfly. It’s maybe a bit of a twee metaphor, but I feel like I really did turn into mush these past few years and I’m now slowly building myself back up again. Maybe even into something different.

I suppose I’m posting for accountability, to continue searching for a sustainable way to keep the music going, instead of retreating out of ease.

Meanwhile, a gentle reminder to slow down and reject capitalist culture, so that your body doesn’t have to make the decision for you.

Seek out some bonny skies, good friends, interesting books, music that moves you. Make things that make you happy, even if no one else will ever see or hear them.

Big love Xx